Into the unknown

Sadly, there is no step-by-step manual for living through and coping with breast cancer. Every person or path is different. But when Dutch actress and writer Isa Hoes was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2021, she started writing a tender, moving and shamelessly honest account that has become a must-read for anyone whose life has been touched - directly or indirectly - by cancer. "I started wondering: have I been living my life to the fullest? And honestly, the answer was no."

Sadly, there is no step-by-step manual for living through and coping with breast cancer. Every person or path is different. But when Dutch actress and writer Isa Hoes was diagnosed with breast cancer in 2021, she started writing a tender, moving and shamelessly honest account that has become a must-read for anyone whose life has been touched - directly or indirectly - by cancer. "I started wondering: have I been living my life to the fullest? And honestly, the answer was no."

Marlies: Isa, the title of your book 'Over Leven' - a wordplay with the terms 'a life', 'alive' and 'survive' - really sets the tone for the uplifting eye- and heart opener it is. And I love my little cameo in it!

Isa:Thank you, Marlies! Yes, after my first mammogram, I couldn't help but notice that the markings above my breasts were strangely beautiful, making it look like I was wearing a strappy Marlies Dekkers bra.

Marlies: You take us by the hand from the moment you discover a lump in your breast, sharing in detail how you experienced the surgery, radiation and finally the struggle to regain trust in your body. I'm very inspired by your ability to see beauty, even when your life is turned upside down. Which, sadly, has happened to you more than once; you received your diagnosis barely a decade after your husband's unexpected death. Is writing a way for you to cope?

Isa: Antonie's passing in 2010 shook me from the outside. I immediately flung myself into my most important task: creating a good life for my two children. But getting breast cancer shook me from within. This time, I was confronted with my own mortality. My main task now was surviving. "My children losing another parent is a major no-go, so dying is NOT an option for me," I remember warning the doctor when I received the diagnosis. I also knew I had to go within to do my part of the healing. Writing everything down helped me with that process, but I soon realized: I'm not alone. One in seven women gets breast cancer! I'm writing this for them too.

Marlies: What has been your most important insight during this process?

Isa:First of all, it really puts things into perspective. Right before I went into surgery, a magazine came out with a bikini picture of me on the cover, taken before my diagnosis. I had always wished my boobs were a little larger, but the photoshoot really helped me embrace their shape. And now, holding the magazine, I realized how grateful I would be to keep my breasts, regardless of their size! Forced to think about life and death, I also started wondering: have I been living my life to the fullest? And honestly, the answer was no.

Marlies:That surprises me, knowing how busy you always are.

Isa:But that's the thing: for years I had been keeping myself busy, focusing on family and work, especially after Antonie's death. Yet I was stuck in a rut, forgetting to create space for my own happiness, let alone a new man. You know what they say on the plane about putting your own oxygen mask on first, before helping other people? I think a lot of women who get breast cancer realize that now is the time to start putting themselves first.

Marlies:Your honest account of your feelings makes your book also incredibly helpful for people trying to understand what their loved one is going through. What do you wish people knew? How can family and friends best be supportive?

Isa: "Keep me up to date!" I was told by a lot of people when they found out I had cancer. But how to find the time or energy to constantly update everybody when there's already so much on your plate? I now realize that I could have sent out a 'cancer newsletter', but please, don't make someone with cancer add more things to their to-do list. Dare to take the initiative. Don't wait for my permission. Do you love cooking? Put a pot of soup on my doorstep. Drop off some flowers. Send a funny message. Believe me, even if I don't really need soup or flowers, I will appreciate the gesture tremendously.

Marlies:I really enjoyed reading about the ayahuasca trip you took (I've done something similar) to help you prepare emotionally for your surgery. Is that something you recommend doing?

Isa:(laughs) Definitely not. That was a very personal choice. The only advice I dare to give is: listen to your heart and your body. Follow your impulses. They show you the way, as surprising as they may seem. Perhaps you want a second opinion, even though everybody is telling you how great your doctor is. Go for it! Maybe you've always been a social butterfly, but now you don't feel like going out. Stay home! Hug trees if you have to! I found that there are quite a lot of parallels with the process of menopause, where you find yourself in completely unfamiliar territory and you're mourning the person you used to be. All you can do is keep an open heart and explore new paths. And who knows? You may even learn a thing or two about yourself.

Marlies:Beautiful. Thank you, Isa, you remind us of the power of positivity and we love you for it.

'Over Leven' by Isa Hoes